This Article Brought to you by Rocket Fuel Malt Liquor (1)

By Neil St. Laurent, Producer of Tracks of Creation

(NOTE: This is a humorous article, and short of the first & last paragraphs should not be taken seriously.)

As the producer of Tracks Of Creation I'm always looking for ways to get the magazine known in all markets. Unforunately this costs money, so it's also my job to find willing sponsors and advertisers for the magazine. A daunting task considering there are a limited number of people to solicit for an international audience. [Editor's note: This was the "first" paragraph, so stop laughing!]

We started to come up with some interesting ideas of how sponsorship could be achieved and the effect it would have on the magazine. Our first idea was to have theme magazines. Say for example a cigarette company sponsored the magazine for one issue. Each image on the site would be replaced with either a pack of cigarettes, cigarettes, a lighter, or a nice clean lung. Reading the issue would seem like you're in the cigarette hall of fame. This idea has been put on hold for a while.

The other option of course is to just sell-out our values and ideals and just get piles of money delivered to our doorstep. This is fairly easy to achieve, but at what cost to the magazine? Here is an excerpt from a probable review from a future issue if that happens:

CLEOPATRA has promised me that this Leather Strip(2) album would make me put down my *Schmirnoff Vodka* for at least a moment or two. Throwing the CD into my new !incredibly! responsive! !Sony! stereo I kick back in the Lazy-Boy, but not before relocating the latest issue of "Terrorizer" to the 100% Columbian Coffee table. The low beats and synthed industrial music of Claus Larsen come out of the Pölk speakers positioned about the room delivering theatre digital quality sound at a low cost. I can't help but to, with the help of my gold ZIPPO, light up a LUCKY STRIKE and indulge in its clean refined flavour. The music has more pulsating curves and undulations in it than does Baywatch! So deep and depressing you can't help but think this guy's Tamagatchi died rather quickly. Yet it is just the kind of music one would want to be playing loudly in one's new -Porsche-, with low suspension and custom tweaked shocks to allow cleaner turning on the improved Autobahn while looking at the beautiful, inviting, German landscape. Checking my +Swatch+ I realize this album is over 60 minutes long. Great album, everybody should run right out to their local Tower Records and buy it!

To our potential advertisers:

"So as long as somebody's willing to give us money we're willing to enhance the integrity of the magazine to ensure your message is heard. Our readers are a huge potential market for your product. Whether you're selling some cheap trinket or something with a little bit of quality, we'll make sure our obviously stoned and delusional readers(3) will buy it!"

On a serious note, Tracks Of Creation is always looking for potential advertisers and sponsors. The magazine does cost money to do; someday we hope to give our incredible contributors some compensation for their skills. The integrity and objectiveness of the magazine will never be compromised for any reason (which incidentally has already caused us to be dropped from the servicing list of a least one distributor). If you're interested in knowing more about the marketing opportunities for you in Tracks Of Creation feel free to contact me by email , phone <+1-403-284-1345>, or by snail mail. [Editor's note: This was the "last" paragraph]

Footnotes:

1. Title inspired by an episode of TV sitcom, Newsradio.
2. I just happened to be listening to "The Rebirth Of Agony" at the time this article was written, which is actually a fairly good album.
3. I might as well apologize in advance for that.